Instead of coming out with another load of nonsense about this, that and the other, as my valued critic Biddy Donoghue likes to summarise my work, here is an informative piece that will, I hope, be of general interest, with particular relevance to one section of society: banjo players. To be more specific, old-time five-string banjo players. I can already hear some readers thinking that the word ‘section’ is misleading in terms of size, and the words ‘smallest slither’ might be more appropriate. It may seem like a tiny minority of the population, but to those who do play old-time banjo, as I do in a modest way, the grouping is significant, and the sharing of any insight that may improve our chances of picking out a decent tune is valued.
In my head I hear Biddy again, urging me to get to the point. Before I do, there’s some personal information which has a bearing. I’ve noticed, since spending more time in Crete, the marked differential in the rate of growth of fingernails and toenails. When in Britain, I can be sure that when the fingernails look like they need a trim, there’s a good chance the toenails need the same. But in Crete, whether it’s the climate, something in the olive oil, or the more southerly latitude affecting the relative gravitational force on hands and feet, growth rates are different. While waiting for damage to grow out of a banjo-picking fingernail, before it’s even grown half a hair’s breadth, the toenails on both feet will be bursting through socks, wearing holes in the fronts of my shoes.
Not that I wear socks all the time. I resent their necessity in colder weather, and in formal dress, like when I worked in an office. Bear with me on another small diversion. During the summer months, while working in Britain, the first thing I did in the evening after the commute home along the M6 was take off the socks to give the feet some relief. With a bit more of a brain about me, of course, I’d have taken the shoes off first.
Back to the subject. To keep it simple, when referring to left and right, I’m assuming the reader is right-handed. If you’re left-handed, look at yourself in a mirror while reading this, and all references to right and left will refer to your reflection, not to the real you. So, the left hand is straightforward. All nails can be maintained at the same short length, allowing strings to be fingered accurately on the fretboard. If you’ve ever seen one, you will know that it’s called a five-string banjo because it has four and a half strings. The fifth string, the short one, is not fingered. With only four strings to worry about, the left hand therefore has a 33.3% easier time of it than the left hand of a guitar player.
The real focus of this article is the right hand, on which the two critical nails are those of the index and middle fingers. In old-time playing, the strings are plucked downwards with the back of the nail. To produce a clear sound, it is essential that, when looked at from the palm side of the hand, the nail protrudes clear of the end of the finger itself by at least a couple of millimetres. If it doesn’t, the skin of the fingertip deadens the tone immediately after the nail has struck the string.
I swear that Satan himself has introduced demonic devices into the world to torment the banjo player. Understandably, the cheerful sound of a banjo ringing around his empire of eternal suffering is something he wants to avoid. Let’s start with car door handles. At first glance, they’re harmless. There’s room to get all four fingers of either hand behind the handle, and then pull out or down or whatever the design requires. What could possibly go wrong? Ninety-nine times out of a hundred you’ll breeze in and out of the car without a care. But then, when you’re off guard, when it’s a winter’s day and the cold has made your nails brittle, when you’re shepherding the children away from Aunty Philomena’s house towards the car, when just as you put your hand on the car door handle you get distracted by Uncle Dermot shouting that someone has forgotten a hat, when you turn to look at the hat but carry on trying to open the door, at that very moment doesn’t your hand slip and you feel your nails bent backwards as they catch the handle. You look in hope, but you know what you’ll see. The nail is damaged by a split from which it will take months to recover.
I’m old enough to remember when fizzy drinks started appearing in cans instead of bottles. A special tool was needed to puncture two triangular holes in the top of the can; one to drink through, the other to allow air into the can. And then, miracle upon miracle, the ring pull appeared, and the people who made the special tool had to think of something else to make. For both pop and beer drinkers, life became easier. But the banjo player soon learnt the terrible price of such convenience. It’s so easy, especially if it’s not the first can of the day or your thirst gets the better of you, to go about the opening process too casually. The finger slips, catching the nail on the ring, with heart-sinking consequences.
Most threatening and frustrating of all, perhaps because of the urgency resulting from opening too many cans in one day, is the metal zip fastener on a pair of jeans. The design makes it difficult to operate by anything other than the thumb and index finger of the dominant hand. If the grip on the pull tab isn’t quite as secure as it should be, and some of those pull tabs are no size at all, it’s all too easy to catch the nail on the metal teeth of the zip itself. If you have the dexterity and the patience, along with good pelvic floor muscles, it’s worth practising the entire operation with your left hand instead of your right.
So how do we mitigate these threats? Prayer is good, yes, along with the key watchword vigilance. Without it, Satan will be waiting for his moment to strike. If vigilance falls short, super glue is the best remedy I have found to date, but be sure to give it a good five minutes before going back to the banjo, otherwise instead of being stuck for something to play, you’ll simply be stuck.
Good luck with it. Bye now.