The 2018 FIFA World Cup tournament was one of the best I can remember, even though I saw far too many matches for my mental well-being. Watching the games in itself was not the problem. I have been watching live and televised football for a long time without my sanity coming under threat. In fact, I could make out an argument that watching Walsall Football Club for forty years has strengthened the character, enhanced awareness of the real world, and promoted quiet acceptance of disappointment.
No, it’s not the watching; it’s the commentaries. It’s listening to so many of them in a condensed period of time that has affected me. There is always the commentator, in a box high in the stand, alongside his expert co-commentator, both being paid to talk. The words get inside the head and take on a life of their own.
In the quiet of the night, or the calm of the dawn, or when sat quietly in the dappled shade of a tree, with a soft breeze gently moving the leaves and branches overhead, the words spin around, and the imagination takes over.
* * * * *
“Hello everyone. Barry Talker here. Welcome to the big game. The Chocolatiers are up against tough opposition tonight. The manager, Mike Cadbury, has been given a boost by having a full squad to choose from. What do you think of his selection, Ron?”
“Good evening, Barry. Well, it’s pretty much the expected line-up. Let’s see if he can work some of the old black magic. There’s a wispa going round that he’s confident of a win. I particularly like the look of Tobler, the Swiss winger. He’s had numerous peaks in his career. Personally, I think his best moments come outside of the box. And of course, Caramel in goal is as good as ever; everything sticks to his hands.”
“Thanks Ron, and here we go. Let’s see who’ll be our star matchmaker tonight. The game kicks off, at just after eight. The Chocolatiers have started as usual by packing everyone into the box. They already know this match is not going to be a picnic.”
“There’s a galaxy of stars on show today. Here’s Ferrero taking the ball inside the box, and putting it on a plate for Rocher, who shoots, but the keeper foils the attempt. In fact, half the team have been foiled. The crowd are going nuts. Thoughts, Ron?”
“I don’t like the look of the midfield, Barry. It has a very soft centre.”
“Now, Aero picks it up. He’s such a bubbly character. He spreads it wide to the new player from Istanbul. Let’s see if he can deliver some Turkish delight. He plays a mint pass up to Street, the hard centre forward. Street is looking a quality player. He finds Bourneville, and ouch! Bourneville is taken out by a crunchie tackle, but he keeps it plain and simple. He’s not trying to milk the situation. He lays the green and black ball out to Rose, who sees his curly wurly shot go over. What do you make of Rose’s style of play, Ron?”
“It’s growing on me, Barry.”
“Now then, what can Walnut do? He tries to find Milky out on the left, but fudges the pass. He tries again, and this time he would have found Milky, bar the interception. Eventually it does reach him. The crowd scream for him to shoot. He obliges, but there is a groan as they see Milky way off target. Milky shakes himself down.”
“Now it’s been picked up by Penguin who has just come off the bench. He’s been kept under wraps till now. He tries a run, but gets sandwiched. He plays a one-two with Kitkat as they make a break from defence. It’s played out to Walnut. Going forward again, Walnut whips in a cross which finds Penguin, but he can’t pick up on the chance. What are your thoughts on how the team are playing, Ron?”
“That’s an interesting topic, Barry. The side look caught twix’ attack and defence. I’m not impressed by the Belgian defender. He looks ruffled, or should I say truffled? And I don’t know what’s wrong with the forwards, Barry. None of them can shoot for toffee.”
“Thanks, Ron. Oh, and now what’s happening? The defence is looking very flakey. The Belgian lays it back for Tobler to clear, but, oh no, it’s a Tobler own goal. Thoughts, Ron?”
“That’s what you get for trying to play that triangular formation in your own box, Barry. Their chances of winning are melting away.”